


FIC: Deep Thoughts (On Protective Eye Wear) by Alexander L. Harris

by liz_marcs



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Humor, Parody, gen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-06
Updated: 2010-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-05 21:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/46356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liz_marcs/pseuds/liz_marcs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander is the keynote speaker at the Watcher Council's graduating class of 2005.</p>
            </blockquote>





	FIC: Deep Thoughts (On Protective Eye Wear) by Alexander L. Harris

**Author's Note:**

> **Rating:** G
> 
> **Genre:** Humor. Parody. Future fic.
> 
> **Disclaimer:** Xander Harris and all associated characters and organizations are the property of FOX and Mutant Enemy. Any mention of real life events and real people is not meant to imply that the people or incidents in question as they are used in the story have any relationship to reality. All original characters and the plot are mine. No payment was asked for or received in the writing of this story and no profit was earned. No copyright infringement on FOX or Mutant Enemy is intended.
> 
> **Author's Note:** A parody of [Sunscreen](http://www.snopes.com/quotes/vonnegut.htm).

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Watcher Class of '05

Wear safety goggles.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, wearing safety goggles would be it. The long-term benefits of safety goggles have been proved by The Three Stooges, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own experience as a demon magnet. I will dispense with this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of the people you hang with. Oh, never mind. You won't appreciate your friends until they've gone all black-eyed and vein-y and start skinning people alive. But trust me on this, when you've got to talk them down from a killer magic overdose and all you can think of is a story about a stupid yellow crayon they broke when you were kids, you'll be really grateful that you paid attention. When dealing with your friends and Slayers, you've got to be a lot more observant than you can even imagine.

Don't worry when you feel an attraction to someone. Or worry, but know that worrying is about as effective as trying to pass algebra without Willow doing your homework. The real troubles in your life are probably things you can't even imagine, like the hot date that sprouts an extra set of teeth and turns green and scaly at 4 a.m. on a Tuesday morning while you're doing the post-coital snuggle.

No matter what, you'll do one thing every day that scares the crap out of you.

Sing, but if other people sing with you, check for Sweet.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, especially when they can rip out yours with their bare hands.

Floss, because tomorrow you might have all your teeth punched out, or they might be fangs.

Don't waste your time on jealousy, because chances are the people you love will probably go for the broody vampires. Or decide they're gay now. Or that you'd look much better wearing your intestines around your neck.

Try to give the best advice you can. Don't take it personally when no one listens to you. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Hold on to and trust experience. Throw away your old grudges.

Duck.

Don't feel guilty if you're attracted to people with blood on their hands. The most interesting people I know had killed someone before they were 22. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds are still trying to make up for it.

Keep lots of aspirin on hand. Be kind to your head. You'll know what I mean after you've suffered your third concussion in as many months.

Maybe you'll stay completely human, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll fall in love with someone who hasn't tried to kill you at least once, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll be washed up and bitter at 40, maybe you'll still be cracking jokes if you survive to get the gold watch at your retirement. Whatever you do, don't get all Queen C about it, or blame yourself too much. You're going to be wrong at least half the time. But then again, so will everyone else.

Enjoy your life. Live it as much as you can. Don't be afraid of what other people think of it, because you're going to miss it when it's over. Or you're undead.

Dance, even if you dance like a dork. But if other people are dancing with you…you do remember what I said about Sweet, right?

Read the directions and please follow them. If you don't, you'll have all these parts left over and I'll probably step on them. With my bare feet.

Do not read books written in Sumerian. It'll only make you feel stupid when Dawn picks them up and starts translating them without a dictionary.

Get to know my parents. You'll feel a lot happier about yours. Be nice to your siblings, assuming you have them. You never know when they might be ancient keys in disguise and you'll have to save them from crazy Hell goddesses who are homesick.

Understand that friends come and go, but friends that are willing to kill your dates when they try to eat you are forever. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need people who know how to translate 'Ow!' based on the tone of your voice.

Live on a Hellmouth once, but leave before the local demons rip off your head. Live somewhere that isn't on a Hellmouth once, and send me a letter to tell me what it's like if you do. Travel, but whatever you do, avoid anyplace called 'The Fabulous Ladies Nightclub.'

Accept certain inalienable truths: You don't get paid enough. Slayers will complain about Slaying interfering with dating. You, too, will have a frequent flyer pass for the local hospital. And when you're seeing double from yet another blow to the head, you'll fantasize that the Watcher's Council will switch to Blue Cross, that Watchers will finally get that union, and that Slayers will stop reminding you that you're more breakable than they are.

Respect the cruller.

Don't expect to keep all your original body parts. Maybe you have really great health. Maybe you've had a lot of luck. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't speak Latin in front of the books, or by the time you're 25 you'll have accidentally taken out two city blocks. Not that I've ever done that.

Be careful which demon bar you go into to get information, but be patient when you have to sit in on a game of kitten poker to get it. Gambling is something demons and humans can enjoy together without bloodshed. Doing it is a way of getting things with big teeth and claws to talk, rescuing kittens, and getting some exercise when you have to run like hell because everyone else figured out that you cheated.

But trust me on the safety goggles.


End file.
